It’s a universal truth that many of us avoid hard conversations. Whether uncomfortable, difficult, or necessary, these discussions often carry a sense of dread. We shy away from situations that could turn awkward, fearing that the resulting silence will be deafening. However, this approach only builds walls, creating distance instead of bridges.
In a recent newsletter, James Clear, author of the best-selling book Atomic Habits, succinctly captured the importance of early feedback with these words:
“Early feedback is usually better than late criticism. Delaying the conversation or stringing someone along with indirect feedback won’t make them feel better… Nobody likes getting bad news, but everyone appreciates clarity.”
This principle is key to personal growth and the cultivation of meaningful personal or professional relationships. By having challenging conversations sooner rather than later and utilizing clarity and compassion, we can reduce misunderstandings and provide support in difficult conversations. But how do we achieve this?
Clarity
Clarity guides us toward honest and direct communication. It steers us away from indirect criticism and avoidance, providing a clear direction for resolving issues. The more we work to understand our needs, the more we can communicate clarity, the easier it becomes to navigate difficult conversations, keeping us on course for understanding and connection.
Compassion
Compassion is not just sympathy; it’s about truly hearing someone and respecting their perspective. It requires the courage to express our needs without trampling on others and the vulnerability to say, “When you did this, I felt…” and then ask, “Can we find a way forward together?”
Nonviolent Communication: A Path to Connection
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a method developed by Marshall Rosenberg, emphasizes understanding unmet needs and creating connections. NVC allows us to state facts without judgment, share feelings without blame, express needs without shame, and make requests without demands. Its fundamental aim is connection.
Here are the core concepts of Nonviolent Communication:
• Make observations. Report “the facts” as observations, not judgments; a judgment masquerading as an observation is a “pseudo-fact.” An example of observation is “John arrived at noon.” The same statement, as a “pseudo-fact” or judgment, could be “John was late.”
• Name your feelings. Feelings are signals our bodies give us to help us determine whether our needs are met or not. When we pay attention to our feelings, we stay in the present moment and move our minds away from unproductive thoughts that mask our needs.
The word “feeling” is often used to express judgment or opinions, as in, “I feel like you were inconsiderate when you ate the last piece of cake.” Instead, it can be used in an I-statement to observe how we feel in response to someone else’s behavior: “When you ate the last piece of cake I was saving for a special occasion, I felt disappointed.”
• Express your needs. Needs can be physical and emotional, ranging from the simple act of breathing to the need to feel acceptance and love. Needs are merely life expressing itself, and when we are in touch with our needs, we have more capacity to communicate clearly and compassionately.
Needs can sometimes be confused with strategies for meeting needs. An example would be a couple arguing over where to vacation; both members of the couple need rest and recreation, but their strategies for achieving it are different. First, recognizing they share the same needs allows them to discuss the strategies to meet them more effectively.
• Make a request, not a demand. A request is grounded in the present; it is concrete and doable. For example, the request to “show me that you love me” is not grounded in the immediately doable, whereas “Would you give me a hug?” is.
Requests are different from demands because a demand is about uncompromising power. By making a genuine request, we are open to compromise and alternative solutions that create mutuality instead of dominance. And, of course, mutuality is more conducive to long-term, caring, and supportive relationships.
Nonviolent communication focuses on connection, understanding yourself, and clearly communicating your needs and intentions. A way to begin with nonviolent communication is to start with a “training wheel” sentence that clearly articulates each step:
“When I hear/see______,
I feel______,
because I need_____
would you be willing to_____?”
As the metaphor suggests, training wheels are temporary and help us practice a new skill. Try it out by writing out each part of the sentence or practice with a neutral party before bringing it to an emotionally charged situation. It’s not likely that we want a script in our daily conversations; however, these ideas can guide how we communicate with others regularly.
Active Listening: The Rudder of Communication
Active listening complements clear communication. It’s not just about hearing; it’s about understanding, acknowledging, and validating the speaker’s message. It doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing, but it does mean engaging fully with the other person. Physical gestures like nodding, verbal acknowledgments, or summarizing for clarification can show that you’ve heard and understood.
By combining clarity, compassion, and active listening, you can navigate the storms of difficult conversations and find the calm waters beyond.
